The ‘Special Relationship’ is Looking a Lot Like an Abusive Group Chat

DC4y...NUo7

13 Jan 2026

It’s the greatest trick the Canberra bubble ever pulled: convincing us that being a “sub-imperial power” is actually a top-tier personality trait. For eighty years, our default setting has been to wag our tails whenever a “great and powerful friend” whistles, regardless of whether that friend is currently trashing the global furniture or weaponizing their own border force against people who once called them a "clown" on Facebook.

But the verdict is in, and frankly, it’s a bit grim. While our leaders are busy "smiling and wave boys" at every new tariff and executive order, the rest of us are starting to realize that the "unshakeable" alliance is looking more like a one-way street where we provide the petrol, the car, and the bail money.
If we don’t find some independence of thought soon, we’re going to wake up in the same nightmare destination currently being enjoyed by anyone brave enough to try and visit the States with a digital footprint.

The ESTA From Hell: Privacy is So 2014

Once upon a time, a trip to the States meant a cheeky burger and a photo in Times Square. Now? It’s a high-stakes interrogation by an AI named Palantir that knows more about your 2016 brunch habits than your own mother.

If you’re an Australian looking for that 90-day visa waiver, you’re now handing over a decade’s worth of emails, phone numbers, and social media handles. It’s a literal digital panopticon. US Border Force is using software like "Immigration OS" to assign you a political "threat level" based on whether you’ve ever voiced support for a cause they don’t like.

It’s no wonder Australian tourism to the US has tanked by 13%. Most of us would rather spend our frequent flyer points somewhere that doesn't treat a selfie's metadata like a confession to a crime.

The Sub-Imperial Simp: AUKUS and the Art of Ingratiation

While the public is backing away from the US, Canberra is leaning in like a flustered tech exec at a Silicon Valley mixer. We’ve signed onto AUKUS, which is less a defence strategy and more a "contribution of people, territory, materials, and ideology" to whatever war Washington feels like starting next.

It’s what analysts call the “sub-imperial” mindset—the inability to think outside of what the Big Boss wants. We’re handing over billions for Virginia-class submarines that might not even show up if the "America First" crowd decides they need them more. As the editors of this fine rag have noted before, the whole thing is basically a tale of two nations "measuring their dicks" while the environment disintegrates and the real security threats—like being able to afford a house—are ignored.

X Marks the Spot: The Prime Minister’s Deepfake Habit

You’d think a government that loves a "nanny state" regulation would be all over a platform that’s currently functioning as a frictionless deepfake porn factory. But no. While Elon Musk’s X is busy undressing women and children using AI bots like Grok, the Australian government is still pouring millions of taxpayer dollars into advertising on the platform.

Think about the irony for a second. The Prime Minister is making exclusive foreign policy announcements on a website where users can—and do—prompt AI to generate "spicy" videos of celebrities and victims of violence without a hint of a guardrail. We’ve got a teen social media ban in the works, but the PM is still keeping people glued to a platform that reportedly hosts "criminal imagery" of kids. It’s the ultimate "jobs for mates" scenario, except the "mate" is a billionaire who thinks our government is "fascistic" for trying to stop people from seeing deepfake filth.

The Nanny State with Nark Energy: Losing the Right to Protest

Of course, when the government does decide to regulate, it usually targets the easy stuff—like your right to stand on a street corner with a sign. Following the Bondi mass shooting, the NSW government rushed through anti-protest laws that would make a US Department of War official weep with joy.

Under the 2025 Bill, mass protests can be restricted for 90 days if someone decides there’s a "terrorism incident". It’s a classic case of using a tragedy to silence dissent. We’re being told to "unify," which is government-speak for "shut up and don't mention our foreign policy while we integrate our military into the US command structure."

We’ve already seen how efficient Australia is at banning things—guns, nightlife, and now, apparently, the "fair go". If the government spent as much energy standing up to Washington as they do making sure nobody has fun in Sydney after 1:30 AM, we might actually have a sovereign country.

Clear Eyes or Wide Shut?

The scary part is that our leaders refuse to look at the US with "clear eyes".8 While the Trump administration openly talks about "owning" Greenland or abducting foreign leaders like Nicolás Maduro, Australia remains a "fervent advocate" for an alliance that’s trashing international law.

Only 16% of Australians think the US is a "very reliable" security ally now.8 The public is waking up to the fact that if a real crisis hits, a GOP-led US government is likely to give us a "new phone who dis" response unless we’re handing over more cash.

Verdict: Get Off The F*****n Algo

i.e., https://www.betootaadvocate.com/report-pretty-good-time-to-ease-up-on-the-internet-consumption/

We are at a "decisive moment". We can continue to be a "sub-imperial power" that pays for the privilege of losing our own freedoms, or we can actually have a national conversation about what's in our interest.

The US has changed; Australia hasn’t. We’re still acting like it’s 1951 while our "ally" is weaponizing state institutions and treating privacy like a suggestion. It’s time to stop the "art of ingratiation" and start acting like a grown-up nation.

We need an independence of thought that doesn’t involve checking with the US State Department first.
Because if we keep lying in bed with a "shameless dictator" mentality, we’re going to inherit more "turbulence" than we know what to do with.