Searching for my voice

I scream, but no one can hear me.

My mouth won't open, even if I try to speak.

I have changed, but I can't admit it to anyone.



It speaks using my voice and continuously yells and cries.

It puts a stop to all of my dreams and tells me I'm not good enough.



It separates me from my loved ones and shatters their hearts because they believe I am dying but the truth is that I am not.



They claim that I am in denial, yet my confusion and sense of loss prove otherwise.



I sense a lack of belonging.



Now, it's a part of who I am.



Even when I'm by myself, it's always with me, so I know I'm never alone.

But I just want to cry because it seems like life isn't worth living.



I want to be myself again, but it would be impossible.

Now that it had clung to me, I allowed it to control me.

I am aware that I will never be free even though it lies to everyone.



However, as the months pass, I get frailer, and at the rate I'm going, things don't seem well for me in the future.



My friends are talking to me, and I just want to respond, but doing so would just let them know that I'm lying about how I'm doing.



I begin to feel as though everyone might have been correct, but then I learn that they are all lying, and I get terrified.



Although I don't want to pass away, I'm frightened I might.

I am helpless to save myself.

I have to put up a struggle.



But because it still occupies my thoughts and prevents me from speaking, I just keep lying and leave my friends behind.

I can't fight the voice because it is so powerful and essential to who I am.



I've been thinking about it too long.

I'm stuck in my own thoughts, but I know I have to fight against it because if I don't, I won't continue to exist.



No loved one wants me to pass away, and neither is my doctor lying to me, but it has control over me and forces me to lie all the time.



The only thing I can do right now is fight that voice every day even though I know the truth deep within.



Every day fighting the voice is difficult.

But I'm aware that it's best for me.

I hope to be alright.



Recovery is the only option because eating disorders can be fatal; nevertheless, the path is long and convoluted and the fight is uphill.



Now that I have reestablished my identity after a long absence, I do not give in to its taunts.



My life is not simply for survival; it is for me to live.

The only option for me to prosper was to overcome my eating disorder.



It is possible to recover.

The voice can be overcome.

You may take back command.

You can choose to recover.