The Power of Listening: Understanding and Touching Emotions
Listening is not merely the act of hearing spoken words; rather, it is the art of comprehending the meaning behind those words. When people say, "You're not listening to me," and we simply parrot back the words, we congratulate ourselves on the functionality of our ears. However, true listening is the creation of an environment in which the other person feels heard. Notice what I said there – the other person – and I used an emotional word, "feels." I don't want to know that you heard the words; I want to feel heard, seen, and understood. This is a learnable and practical skill.
Listening involves replacing judgment with curiosity, a challenging task for our inherently judgmental nature. Being curious about why someone holds a particular point of view creates a safe space for them to, as my friend Dia Khan calls it, "empty the bucket." Even if we find their views reprehensible, we can't engage in a true dialogue until at least one party has the opportunity to express everything without judgment.
Instead of defending, litigating, interrupting, or pointing out flaws in logic, which is frustrating, there are easy ways to handle it. When someone says something, simple phrases like "Tell me more" or "What else?" allow them to keep talking, and if you remain quiet, they feel the space and continue. Eventually, everything is laid out, creating a safe space for you to respond or express yourself constructively.
Yet, it's true; we don't teach listening. Listening is the way to build trust with someone – make someone feel heard, and they'll trust you. It is also the way to find common ground in opposition, not only in simple cases like business but also in more complicated situations such as national or global politics or war. This is why William Ury, author of "Getting to Yes," suggests that while we have talk shows, what we really need are listen shows. He emphasizes that peace talks exist, but what is crucial is the need for peace listens.
Yuri mentions the importance of starting negotiations by asking, "So, tell me why you came here?" instead of demanding what one wants. A documentary that beautifully illustrates this concept is Dia Khan's "White Right: Meeting the Enemy." Dia, a Muslim woman living in the UK, faced trolling by white supremacists to the extent that her life was in danger. Instead of avoiding them, she moved to the United States to meet these individuals face-to-face. Dia provided them with a safe space to feel heard, an extreme form of listening. It may seem mad – why should she give them a safe space when they should provide her with one? Dia sat down with these white supremacists, let them empty their bucket, and conversation began. Despite their initial hatred, one by one, these white supremacists dropped out of the movement because they could no longer reconcile their beliefs with reality.
If it can happen in this extreme environment, it can happen anywhere. Crossing political divides or resolving disagreements at work requires at least one party to learn how to listen – an incredible skill that anyone can acquire. The power of listening is remarkable, and Dia Khan's documentary serves as an excellent example of its potential for extreme change.
