Breaking down

19 Mar 2023

I've tried. I've attempted numerous times.
not to cut, not to be frail, not to give in to temptation.
You destroyed what little of my heart was left by yourself.
You can see the difficulties I've faced. You continue to ignore me as if I am nothing.
I apologize for my frailty. I apologize for being here. I regret having loved you.
I'm sorry for you having to adore me. I apologize for the difficulties I caused you.
Yet I apologize most for squandering your time.
I'm sorry if I apologized excessively.
I apologize for not being able to meet your expectations.
I'm sorry I broke down.
I made an effort to endure and be resilient. I can't, both physically and mentally.

I apologize for not being the ideal, flawless girl that everyone imagines me to be.
Sorry that you can see the scars. But, that is the only attractive aspect of me.
I've completely lost control. unsure about where or how to begin.
I'm not sure if I want to begin. I might as well give up now.
I sob way too much. Too many tears in a short period of time.
I apologize for not being able to fake smile. Sorry, I can't seem to find it any longer.
But, I'm terribly sorry for how my actions have affected you. Everyone.

I apologize for entering your thoughts and heart.
I apologize once more for making so many excuses.
Suicide and self-harm are considered selfish by some. selfish for those you love.
Is it not self-indulgent of the loved ones to allow the victim to live in such agony?
I'm not going to kill myself, but I might. So many unnoticed cuts to the human sight from too many thoughts.
I'm giving in, crumbling, and giving up because of this.

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