On Days When Nobody Is Clapping

A reflection on loss, self-doubt, and learning to stand by myself.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling not good. I had put in for a competition, spent quite a lot trying to get my entry in, and had lost. I happened to know someone who got in. It was very beautiful for them. A lot of people were celebrating them, and it was not envy or jealousy, but it cut me a little more than I expected.

I was really hurt and just lay down, thinking about what would come next, and thinking about whether anything I was doing was even worth it, given that I was not seeing as much success as I would love to see. But as I kept thinking about it, I started wondering if I really felt bad because I did not win, or because someone else was getting the validation that I would love to have. Someone else was getting celebrated, and I was not, even though I am making progress in some areas. I am doing well in ways that I do not celebrate enough, or that people do not know, so they do not celebrate them.

I do good work in other areas. I try. I know I am improving. I know I am growing. But none of it gets applause because the natural course of things is that people rarely celebrate the things they do not know or do not understand. People rarely celebrate process. They mostly celebrate results. Until you get a result that is commendable or looks exceptional in the eyes of people, you are most likely not going to be celebrated, even if you are giving it your best.

It was not just that I missed out on that opportunity. It was the spiraling into self doubt and the reflection on whether my sacrifices were even worth it. Whether it was worth pursuing or not. Whether it was better to wrap everything up and go back to a time when I did less, had fewer expectations, and had fewer things to worry about. I kept asking myself if there was any hope, if there could ever be a time when I would win. I simply did not know.

But somewhere in between all that thinking, I was reminded that the real work I needed to do was killing the hunger for validation. Validation is fluid, and people often move in the direction of whoever is winning. And what happens if I do not win? What happens if things do not always turn out well? Will my feelings always fluctuate with moments like this?. And what happens to me on the days when I do not shine? Will my emotions swing with every outcome?


It pointed me back to my need to celebrate myself and be proud of myself, because there will be days when people will not be there. There will be sacrifices that people will not see. There will be small growth and improvement that people will not understand. I am the only one who will know that I am growing in those areas. I need to be my own personal little cheerleader. I need to be there for myself, even if every other person does not understand. I need to celebrate myself based on the realization of the sacrifices I have made.

The truth is that I could do everything right and still not win, and that is simply life. So I needed to stop counting my journey from a place of outcomes. My journey has to be about who I am becoming, what I am learning, and the little progress I make along the way.

I need to embrace the process more. I need to celebrate my small wins and actually acknowledge them. I need to be proud of myself even on the days when nobody else is clapping, because there will always be times when other people will outdo me. I will not always move at the pace of others, and people will always clap for achievements that are bigger than mine.

And on the days when nobody is clapping, I need to be there. For me.