Marrying, and remaining married.

"I, _____, take thee, _____, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith."

So it begins in most cases; except non-Christian marriages. On that day; wherein the marriage vows are said, and man and wife are joined in holy matrimony, emotions are re-experienced and re-let loose. Love and happiness, hopes and beliefs, promises and resolutions, dreams and projections, and a whole lot of other emotions are usually high. In some cases, uncertainty is part of the experienced emotions, but it is quickly brushed under all the congratulations, fanfare, goodwill wishes, and messages. Certainly, marriage is a new beginning. One which emotions; or not, cannot stop. And just as the marriage vow says, it is meant to be till death do part.

Sadly, “…till death do us part…” is fast becoming extinct. Right now, so many marriages are being parted on grounds, other than death. Over time, society has redefined marriage to make it more enticing. In doing so, it embedded in it certain misconceptions that are alien to its true nature. Again, society, in its quest to validate this shortcoming, also developed grounds on which to part holy matrimony —for the societal version of marriage, with its embedded alien misconceptions, fails. Yet, society; once again justifies, and rightens these grounds. Divorce is now being made king.

A hitherto uncommon term, divorce is now almost more popular than marriage itself, with divorce rates around the globe steadily increasing at an alarming rate. As of 2022, statistics show that globally, 4.08 per 1000 persons, are divorces, with some countries having individual double figures. Mind you, the 1000 persons are a random population, not specifically married persons. Asides from divorce becoming more and more common in this day and age, it is now also publicized, and somewhat celebrated. No longer is it unusual to see headlines of our favorite celebrity couples, sportsmen, billionaires, musicians and even pastors and preachers, throwing in the towel on their marriage, on our social media feeds, news networks, and television. Some peeps go as far as becoming double —sometimes even triple, divorcees.

Divorce has now become a cankerworm. One that not only constitutes a major source of disorder to one’s life, affects people’s mental —and in certain cases physical health, but also is eating deep into the fabrics of society, and gradually breaking the family system and structure. As a result, parenting is negatively affected and compromised. We currently live in a world where children from broken homes, grow to raise their own kids, in their own broken home. The consequences of this destructive force, is visibly evident today with the current generation of kids and young adults, having watered down, and even nonexistent, value for morals and culture. Marriage weeps.

As it stands, marriage cries out for the injustice done to it. Even the once enticing societally defined marriage, has lost its appeal and seduction prowess on the unmarried. Today, newly weds end it, even before it gets to a decade. Like in things fall apart, things have fallen asunder, for the center of the current concept of marriage holds not.
The way to restoration is a return to status quo —a return to the true concept of marriage. One devoid of the current misconceptions about marriage, and those imbibed in it. Misconceptions such as:

• It is built on love.
• It is meant to be blissful.
• It is not a do or die affair.
• It is a social status.
• Gender equality should abide in it.
• It is a means to financial freedom
• An avenue to become wealthy, and change social class and circle
• An age necessity, and so on.

The key to remaining married is relearning what exactly marriage is.

Marriage; though differently defined based on cultural, and religious factors, is a union till death. To this definition, is none truer and righter. Understanding that marriage is agreeing, surrendering, and accepting to remain bound to another human till death do part, is the first step to remaining married. The big question now is: are you willing to bond with another human for life? Is your partner willing to bond with you for life?

A critical and logical look at the marriage vows, further throws more light on the true concept of marriage. It says: “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part… .” Note how there is a projection of good and bad phases, how loving and cherishing comes after these phases, and how —by virtue of its position, it becomes a promised responsibility. Suffice to say, the marriage vows define marriage as a union requiring commitment first, before love. Be ye not confused. Love is necessary in marriage, but love isn’t the basis for marriage. Commitment is. Love is to only help the commitment become easier, but not replace it.

In truth, commitment is hard, and hence, marriage. In some cases, it could be extremely difficult. What makes it hard is the wobbly dynamics it entails —having to adapt to a grown human being, for the rest of your life. Commitment is a promise; a decision to go on, even in the face of unknowns and uncertainties. Every stage of life and marriage reveals a different part of your partner. When newly wedded, you see a different person. When a child comes, you are bound to see a different person. When there are children, you see a different person. When there is pressure, plenty, challenges, disappointment and failure, you see a different person. Commitment demands that you go on with —remain married to, whatever “different person” you meet in every stage of your life and marriage.

Society, in redefining marriage, has over romanticized the concept. Speaking to older couples, who have managed to remain happily married for decades, will reveal to you that marriage is not just fun; but could be made fun. The internet and social media have made many to over-idealize, and over-romanticize marriage. Marriage could be quite difficult —especially if you really decide to remain married, for commitment is no mean feat. It requires a lot of sacrifices, actions and resolutions. There rarely is any happily married couple that didn’t face stormy, uncertain days —days wherein they no longer knew who they married, and all. Some even contemplated divorce. Michelle Obama, married to Barack Obama for 30 years, said that 10 out of the 30 years were difficult and unpleasant. There are also couples who’ve been working on certain areas of their marriage for more than 7 years. Marriage —commitment, is that deep.

To remain married, couples must learn to give up on the fairytale; the societal definition of marriage, and embrace reality. They must learn to do away with the aforementioned misconceptions, now introduced into marriage. They must learn to understand what love is —the bible describes love as patient, long-suffering, forgiving, kind, not boastful nor vain, and its place in marriage. They must know how to cohabit with, and tolerate their partners. For a partner is a human, and as with humans, there is bound to be a good number of days of emotional and psychological instability. Some days, your partner’s everything might be 30% of yours —though it is their everything at that moment, then tables turn, and boom, You are the one offering less. Couples must also learn the place of good communication if they want to remain married. Have that discussion about that topic. Find the right way to point out that grievance. Ask that question. Confess the love. Always communicate. Never use “I am preserving my mental health” as a garb to hide your emotions. Commitment is the umbrella. Employ it in weathering the storms of marriage, for marriage can be stormy.

Marriage is a journey, meant for fighters —those who are willing to make things work come rain or sunshine. The place of carefully accessing, analyzing, then selecting a partner —the right partner, cannot be overemphasized. An intentional and amenable partner will make the journey less difficult and tumultuous. Make sure you marry someone who not only: has a good heart, is kind, loving, focused, disciplined, fears God, etc, but someone who is willing to be committed to remaining in a union with you, till death do part. Before you marry, check who you marry. For some fights should not be fought, and some others, cannot be won.