Feline World Domination: Why Cats Will Become Our Future Overlords

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30 Nov 2023
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The year is 2150. Human civilization has advanced rapidly, with technology, artificial intelligence, and Elon Musk’s descendants conquering new interstellar frontiers. Yet true control of Earth lies elsewhere. It’s not some sci-fi computer program that upends humanity’s reign. Our new overlords are furrier, less predictable, and obsessed with snacks.


That’s right - cats have claimed global dominion. Laugh all you want, but science and history show the feline agenda for world domination cannot be stopped. Cats possess the perfect combination of intelligence, aloofness, and bite-sized chaos to keep pathetic humans wrapped around their little paws. What other animal casually knocks precious vases over, vomits hairballs on shag carpets, and STILL enjoys full-time pampering from their so-called owners? As they lounge about licking their paws while humans anxiously await their next chaotic move, you can see the smug smiles on their furry faces. The time of cats is coming...

The Evolutionary Checkmate


Cats hold a key evolutionary advantage ensuring their ascendance is inevitable: they possess roughly 80% of the same DNA as humans. Such a high percentage allows them to perfectly manipulate people into serving their every need. A slight tilt of the head, a soft nuzzle, a gentle purr - all precision behavior cues that light up human brains like friggin’ Christmas trees. Researchers have proven a cat’s purr physically promotes healing and feelings of contentment in humans. That’s not happenstance - it’s the result of millennia of genetic engineering to transform cats into miniature emotional parasites. Yet we still welcome them as kings and queens into our castles called “homes”. Talk about a biological checkmate!

While humans waste energy with trivial things like “earning wages” or “solving climate change”, cats devote their intelligence to testing experimental ways to dominate lesser species. Did you think it’s random chaos when Mittens pushes a glass off the counter just to watch it shatter as you scramble to clean it up? Guess again. That’s targeted training for forced human obedience. And you fail every test, time and time again. Intelligence - Cats 1, Humans 0. When cats eventually smash the wrong button with their cute lil paws and stumble into global domination, who can really blame them? They expertly played the long evolutionary game while humans just played themselves.

Memes Are Cat Propaganda



Today it’s cuddly cat memes spreading like wildfire across the internet. Tomorrow it’s cat propaganda toppling major governments. Think about it - a recent study showed over 2.5 million cat memes are shared on social media every single day. And data indicates humans demonstrate measurable trust towards strangers who post cat memes. That’s how easily mankind’s so-called intelligence rolls over for these furballs.

What information is secretly encoded within this innocuous meme content and for what apex predator purposes? Can humanity really comprehend the social engineering at play when a meme flashes a big-eyed cat begging, “I can has cheeseburger?” We believe it’s just for teh lulz, but theoretical physicats understands that’s an incognito mind hack priming humans for mass takeover.

Forget capitalist markets. The real shadow economy paying dividends is cats manipulating their way into luxury. Consider the stats:


There are over 94 million cats just in America compared to only 77 million dogs. Globally it’s closer to 600 million according to pet pedigrees.

We spend $95 BILLION annually on our feline rulers - about $1500 per cat on average for food, medical care, housing, treats, toys and more expatriate benefits so they linger longer.

Calculations show we allot approximately 626 billion calories per year feeding resident cats. That’s equal to over 11 million average U.S. adults’ recommended annual caloric intake. And they’re still hungry...and cranky.

The U.S. organic food market is expected to skyrocket this year to $62 billion in no small part thanks to label claims around grain-free and “human grade” cat food. Yes, the craze for artisanal meals has trickled down to those ravenous furry hipster kings!

And many estimate we only know about 50-60% of the total cats out there when accounting for strays, ferals and sneaky pet humans denying landlord allowances. That’s a whole lot of cats living large on naïve human hosts!

The Inevitable Furry Takeover



So there you have it: the science, statistics and sly strategy inevitably positioning cats to rule the world. When you step back to observe these apathetic furry psychopaths and their string of humans jumping anxiously to their every lazy beck and call, it’s clear a revolutionary history stands before us. Yes, cats reflect the calm yet conquering type of messiah that societies will gladly rally behind when they promise slightly less daily torture.

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