Expectations

The Joy Killer

So, like most people, we’ve had someone let us down more than once. Some more so than others, and we get to a point in life where we can start to feel pretty cynical about it all. As I started to in my early to mid-30s.

I’ve always been the guy to jump in and help out. If a workmate needed a hand moving their house on the weekend. I’d be there to help out. Needed to borrow some money for lunch or even more to pay some bills? If I had it, it was yours. Needed to borrow my car? Sure thing. A place to stay? We’ve got a spare room.

Now, I’m not saying I’ve not had people help me out from time to time at that stage of my life. It certainly wasn’t family that came through. After I had joined the Australian Navy at seventeen, they even forgot my birthdays as the years went on. I got used to that. But as I said, in my early to mid-30’s, I’d started to feel that things were lopsided. Things felt one-sided.

I didn’t like this feeling. I actually enjoy helping people out in any way I can. A friend once described me to their friend as “He’d give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.” Their friend needed a place to stay, and I had a spare room.

So, after months of struggling with this back and forth in my head. Between not helping anyone anymore and not allowing the actions of people to change who I am, I settled on no longer having any expectations of people.

I mentioned this to a friend one day, and their response surprised me. I’d said,

“People will invariably let you down when you need them the most. So I’m just going to stop having expectations of anyone.”

“That’s a really negative outlook to have, man.”

“Wait, what? No it’s not.”

“Is it?” I thought to myself. I needed to think about this some more. I don’t consider myself a negative person. In fact, I tend to temper my positive outlook with some realism. I prefer balance in everything if possible.

So I pondered on what my friend had said while still retraining my brain to have no expectations. I remember the very first time I was disappointed. Where I had felt let down, short-changed, so to speak. I was fifteen years old, and Christmas was just around the corner. I knew that we were struggling financially as a family.

It was the late 80’s, and interest rates on home loans were crazy high. 17% on a mortgage. Dad was working hard and a lot. But he had five kids to provide for. My step-mum didn’t work at the time; I mean, it was the 80’s. Also, five kids! I was the oldest at fifteen. The sixth child was still two years away.

As a single dad, having the one to care for is a full-time job. I honestly don’t know how my parents did it.

So, leading up to Christmas, I said there was only one gift I really wanted. The dancing Coca-Cola cans had come out that year. That’s all I wanted.


Christmas morning, that was all I got. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed as I watched my brothers and sisters open present after present. It took an effort to hide. I was disappointed; I suddenly didn’t think the dancing coke can was so great. After some reflection and some self-talk. I realised I got exactly what I asked for. I asked for this to take the pressure off my parents. I sacrificed a little so my brothers and sisters could have a Christmas they’d remember as happier times.

Fifteen years later, I realised what my expectations were. My attachment to material possessions had stolen a happy Christmas occasion from me. That’s when I started to realise the balance between expectations and joy.

Other examples presented themselves to me. I have always been the guy who would randomly buy his partner flowers every two to four weeks. Just because I liked making her happy and because flowers brightened up a room. The act of giving makes the gift-giver happy as well. Win-Win.

After a while, though, I noticed that she wouldn’t be as happy when I gave her flowers. It wasn’t the only thing I did for my partner, but it was the one I noticed most. Eventually, the flowers wouldn’t even end up in a vase. Just plonked in the sink to be done later. Then it got to the point I’d fish them out and put them in a vase myself. Neither of us was getting anything out of this act anymore.

Hearing and seeing how entitled kids were getting as well. Not getting the latest gaming console for Christmas/birthdays and throwing a massive temper tantrum, young kids through to teenagers. when they do not get the car bought for them when they get their licence.
It’s not just the parents’ fault; capitalism and marketing campaigns are relentlessly bombarding us all. Children are more susceptible to the tactics used as well. So the expectation is set, every Christmas, despite the empty threat of “If you are naughty”, more and more presents under the tree. Parents bend over backwards to try to give their kids a great Christmas or birthday, even when they can’t afford it. The insinuation is you are a bad parent if you don’t.

So we grow up expecting gifts. We get accustomed to the flowers or treats, and we start to expect them.

Then what happens? If you get the gifts. Cool, thanks for that. Appreciate it. If you don’t, you are filled with disappointment. You feel hurt. Neglected. Forgotten. Unappreciated.

So, having gone through and retrained myself not to expect anything. If I don’t get anything, it’s not even a thought. Someone finds out it’s my birthday and says Happy Birthday. It makes me smile and appreciate it.

Suppose someone goes out of their way to help me. Or they do something for me. It’s unexpected. I’m genuinely surprised, and I feel true joy. I wasn’t expecting that simple gesture, that little gift, of that offer to help. So, I truly appreciate it, and I express it.

This is where the joy gets doubled. The person who is doing it sees authentic pleasure and gratitude. This gives them the joy of giving.

I genuinely believe that many people are missing that genuine feeling of joy, and practising the mindset of not expecting anything will change your life and the lives of those around you for the better.

So, no, it’s not a negative way of looking at the world. Because there is a balance to it. If I only focused on “No expectations” because people suck. Sure, that is negative and would lead you down a cynical, grumpy and resentful path.

In discovering the flip side to that coin. The balance that there is in everything has truly turned what could be a bad day or week if I’d let it into a happier, more meaningful existence.
Others might misunderstand your approach as apathy or detachment, especially if they interpret your lack of expectations as a lack of interest or investment in the relationship. So, while the mantra of “no expectations” is simple yet meaningful to those who choose to practice it. It’s vital we explain it in full to those we care for so that they see the balanced nature of this approach.

Having no expectations can reduce personal disappointment, but it might also lead others to take your generosity for granted, especially if they perceive it as a lack of boundaries. Having no expectations of others does not mean having none of yourself. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and respect them. If you don’t respect your boundaries, no one will. Part of mine was with lending money. If the person didn’t pay me back when they said they would or didn’t communicate with me, they weren’t going to be able to pay me back at that time. I would no longer lend them money, even if they eventually paid me back. It’s a matter of respect and being true to your word. That is when having an expectation is different. They’ve set the expectation on themselves and expressed it to you. Of course, you expect them to follow through on that.

A big part of setting those boundaries was having children. My children come first. So beforehand, if someone needed $20, it was my last $20 until I got paid in a few days. I’d give it to them, no issues. Now, I wouldn’t. It’s my just-in-case buffer.

While it’s beneficial not to expect anything in return for your actions, it’s also vital to ensure that relationships are reciprocal and healthy. A lack of balance in giving and receiving can lead to unequal relationships. Remember, no expectations of other people. The expectations you have of yourself are yours to control. Not having those healthy boundaries in place can lead to a lack of balance, and this will lead to resentment.

Some might argue that certain expectations are a natural and healthy part of emotional connections. They can foster a sense of belonging and mutual respect as long as they’re communicated clearly and are reasonable. Remember that your emotions are YOUR emotions. You control them; they don’t (shouldn’t) control you. This is not to say you become an emotionless robot that you don’t experience your emotions. This is about emotional intelligence, understanding why you are feeling a certain way. As I always tell people, if you are angry, ask yourself the following.

Why? Is your anger matching the transgression? Is this event the true source of your anger? Asking yourself these simple questions prevents you from losing your temper and taking it out on the wrong person, usually someone you love. If you answer yes to those questions, then you have a right to be angry. There is such a thing as righteous anger. It’s controlled, and it’s expressed clearly with no abusive or inflammatory language. Effective communication is key.
We must manage and align “no expectations” with reality and ensure they don’t overshadow the many reasons we have to be grateful and happy in our relationships and lives. What’s crucial is finding a balance that allows you to enjoy life and relationships without being burdened by unmet expectations.

So what do you think? Are you willing to try the “No expectations” approach? It takes time and persistence to retrain your subconscious and conscious mind to think this way.

I believe it is worth it.