12 Rules For Life

summary of 12 rules for life

by jordan b peterson written by alyssa

burnett and quick read

narrated by alex smith

introduction wouldn't it be great if

someone handed us a guide

which explained very clearly what the

rules of life were

wouldn't that save us so much time and

guesswork in trying to figure them out

well jordan b peterson believes that a

simple handbook of rules for life exists

at least now that he's written it and

there are only 12 of them

this summary will take you through

peterson's rules for living your best

life

and teach you some unexpected facts

along the way

through the course of this summary

you'll learn what lobsters can teach us

about confidence

what flowers have to do with finding the

meaning of life

and what skateboards can tell us about

human nature

chapter one get to the top of the

pecking order

you've heard of the phrase the pecking

order right it's commonly used in

conversation

but do you know how it originated it was

coined by norwegian zoologist

thorleaf schilderup ebba who was

studying barnyard chickens during the

1920s

and observed a clear hierarchy amongst

the birds when it was feeding time

he noticed that the strongest healthiest

chickens ate first and forced

the sick or timid ones to wait until

there were only scraps left

this of course ensured that the strong

chickens retained their advantage

while their counterparts only grew

weaker

the same is true with other species of

animals as well lobsters for example

exhibit similar behaviors whether

they've been raised in captivity or in

the wild

proving that their sense of the pecking

order is innate rather than a learned

behavior

in fact scientists have observed that

lobsters instigate aggressive fights to

compete for the best shelter spots

and that this actually changes their

biology for example

winners possess a stronger ratio of

serotonin octopamine

while the ratio is reduced for lobsters

who commonly lose

this means that the hormone advantage

caused winning lobsters to stay stronger

and healthier in addition to exhibiting

a more confident posture

by contrast their counterparts became

more timid and curled up out of fear

and as you've probably observed this

behavior is frequently mimicked by

humans as well

people who frequently win at life become

emboldened by their winning streak

and this causes them to pursue new

challenges with confidence

in fact that confidence is often what

enables them to generate further success

likewise those who are in the grip of

depression or feel that life is never in

their favor

are more risk averse and tend to

approach each situation as though they

already know they will fail

this in turn becomes a self-fulfilling

prophecy that reinforces their bleak

worldview

so if you're trying to get ahead in life

or break a toxic cycle

the best advice we can give you is think

like a lobster

strike that confident pose to tell

people you're a winner and keep faking

it until you make it

chapter 2 love yourself as you would

others

at first that saying might sound like

it's reversed

after all isn't it supposed to be love

others as you would yourself

but while that's definitely the common

expression it's reversed for our

purposes

because often we're better at caring for

others than we are for ourselves

that's because we're often hyper aware

of our own flaws

and this awareness can lead to

self-loathing

as we dwell on all the reasons we

believe ourselves to be inferior

we become convinced that we're

undeserving of self-care

kindness or positivity because of this

we tend to focus all our positive energy

on those we love especially our partners

and pets

and neglect to give ourselves the same

kindness

eastern philosophy acknowledges these

toxic patterns

through its teachings on the duality of

nature the yin yang symbol represents

the dark side

and a light side with the implications

being that each side contains at least a

hint of the other

and neither can exist without the other

eastern philosophy also posits

that harmony can only be achieved by

embracing both

and seeking out healthy balance between

the two

this balance can be attained by avoiding

extremes and illustrated by an example

of a parent and their child

let's say that a parent only wanted the

best for their child

and was desperate to prevent them from

experiencing anything

bad however if they were to go too far

in shielding their child

and thus prevent them from learning

about the world or exploring new

experiences

they would be hurtling towards an

opposite extreme rather than being

protected from negative influences

their child would simply feel stifled

and might rebel in more extreme ways to

regain a sense of freedom

neither of these extremes are healthy so

as you seek

balance in your own life remember to not

go too far towards the dark side

or to go overboard in an attempt at

perfection

it's impossible to be perfect and chaos

is unavoidable

so don't waste your time and energy

fighting the inevitable but it's also

important that you don't focus only on

the things that make you happy

while that might be more fun to pursue

only the things that give you warm fuzzy

feelings inside

it also won't cultivate personal growth

so

focus instead on what's best for you in

the same way a loving parent would do

what's best for their child a child

might not want to eat their vegetables

or go to bed on time

but their parent ensures they do because

it's healthy for them

so in your adult life identify your

life's purpose and direction

and then make healthy decisions that

will help you attain that goal

chapter 3 choose your friends wisely

have you ever noticed that the things

your friends say slip into your own

vocabulary before you even notice it

it's no surprise because the more time

you spend around people the more they

rub off on you

and while picking up your friend's

speech patterns might be harmless it

might be time to get concerned if you

notice your friend's toxic

habits and traits are influencing you as

well

because we often choose our friends

through superficial criteria

like common interests or a shared sense

of humor we don't always pause to

consider exactly what sort of person our

best buddy is

nor do we always reflect on the impacts

toxic habits can have

on our own personal development but

negative people and bad life decisions

have a scary ability to drag successful

people down and unfortunately

that effect can occur just as easily in

the professional sphere as in your life

for example many managers and

professionals think that putting an

underachiever on a group project

with high performers will build that

person up and encourage them to emulate

their counterparts best practices

however studies have shown that the

opposite effect is actually more likely

and the successful teammates will be

brought down by the negative influence

and that's why it's so vital that we

surround ourselves with positive people

who actively cultivate good habits in

their lives

so remember that exercising discernment

isn't the same thing as being snobby or

judgmental

rather than dismissing prospective

friends because of petty factors like

their sense of style

or socioeconomic differences you're

actively seeking people who will help

you affect

positive change and the beauty of such a

partnership

is that it's mutually beneficial a good

friend won't allow you to wallow in

self-pity or engage in negative

self-talk

and they'll call you out when they see

you developing toxic behaviors

and in turn you'll do the same for them

because you're both seeking to improve

yourselves in the world around you

your friendship will literally help you

both become your most amazing selves

so choose your friends wisely

chapter 4 beat your own personal best

how often do you catch yourself

comparing your success in relation to

that of others

whether it's with the intent to build

yourself up with statements like well

at least i did better than she did or to

discourage yourself with such comments

as

i'll never win that award like she did

this thought pattern is beyond

toxic that's because comparison is a

killer of progress

as such it's important to clarify here

that comparison and self-criticism

are not the same thing self-criticism is

healthy

to a degree because it invites you to

realistically take stock of your flaws

and identify areas where you can improve

this is what motivates us to work

towards a brighter

more successful future but

self-criticism takes an ugly turn

when it's distorted by the lens of

comparison

because instead of asking ourselves what

we can do to improve upon our own

personal best

comparison causes us to measure

ourselves by the standards of others

this view eliminates the moments of

incremental growth that shape our

journeys along the way

replacing our progress with a black and

white filter of either success

or failure and if we find that we don't

measure up to others

we determine that we failed but nothing

could be further from the truth

because if we were to take a step back

and look at the big picture we would be

able to clearly see

every part of ourselves and acknowledge

the small personal milestones that

define our growth as individuals

sure maybe your coworker got that

promotion instead of you

but maybe instead of prioritizing your

career you are developing your

relationship with your family

because that's what was right for you so

stop comparing yourself to others and

instead judge yourself

against your own prior accomplishments

are you better today than you were

yesterday

do you want to be better tomorrow than

you were today if the answer is yes

and it should be then this is the secret

to keeping yourself on the right track

because when you compare your present to

your past you'll recognize

that you're growing in the ways that are

right for you at the speed that suits

you best

you'll be able to acknowledge those

small moments of growth that are

critical in the development of your best

self and you'll be able to appreciate

the unique facets of your life

that make your progress specific to you

so evaluate your personal progress only

by the standards that are applicable to

you

and as you take stock of your

development think of yourself as a home

inspector

just like a home inspector you'll

analyze everything from bottom to top

determining whether a problem is a

cosmetic fix or a structural flaw

make a list of everything you find that

needs to be improved and then attack it

renovating yourself the same way you

would a house

the best part is that when you are so

focused on becoming the person you need

to be

you won't have the time to think about

comparing yourself to others

chapter 5 raise a kind and responsible

child

the right way to raise our children is

one of life's biggest quandaries

and it torments a lot of parents as they

struggle to get it right

because our children come into the world

as blank slates we're often paralyzed by

the question of what to write on the

people

who will impact future generations

nybauer suggests that the starting point

for answering this question

is to acknowledge innate human

aggression we all know how nasty kids

can be to each other

pretty much everyone has a bullying

story from at least one person in their

childhood

so what if our primary concern was

simply raising kind kids

nybauer asserts that cultivating

kindness requires more

than being a friend to your child in

fact successful parenting demands taking

the risk that there may be times

when your child doesn't like you

although that might sting a little

take a moment to consider how this style

of parenting would play out

after all if you're focused on being

your child's best friend forever

you're not focused on enforcing rules

rather your job is to ensure that

they're only ever happy and having fun

and that's not going to help your child

become a well-adjusted and likable adult

so while it may not be fun to set

boundaries and enforce them

it might help to remember that you're

doing your child a great service by

teaching them life lessons early on

after all isn't it better for them to

learn responsibility from a loving

parent

than from a society that will teach them

in a far less gentle way

so if you're eager to help your child

become the best they can be

here are niabaur's top tips for

successful parenting

the first step is to avoid limiting the

rules

while rules are absolutely necessary if

you have too many

your child will become frustrated and

feel as though they're surrounded by

obstacles

so instead of controlling their lives

down to the minutia with rules like

your socks always have to match or you

must always be in bed by this time

focus on practical real world rules like

showing respect

being kind and never using violence and

less in self-defense

remember that these rules will help

shape your child's core values and

honestly

would you rather have a child who's

loving and respectful or a little

monster whose socks always match

the next rule is to always use the least

amount of force necessary

so make sure you set clear rules with

equally clear consequences

and take care to make the punishment fit

the crime knowing which punishments will

be most effective for helping your child

learn the consequences of their actions

also requires an in-depth knowledge of

your child

so get to know the unique person they

are and understand when only a verbal

correction is necessary

and when to take away video games for a

week the third tip is to stand as a

united front

if you are a two-parent household make

sure you let your child know

that they can't pit you to against each

other to get their own way

likewise be sure to support your partner

even when they make mistakes

lovingly acknowledging mistakes and

working on them together is the key to

growth

and a happy home

chapter 6 life isn't fair

why do bad things happen to good people

is one of life's age-old

anguished mysteries and to this day we

still haven't solved it

often that's because it's easier to

blame injustice on others

whether that's on a global or personal

scale however

that's not the right response to the

world's suffering and neither is our

temptation to give into despair

although both of these reactions are

tempting eschewing extreme responses

is crucial to curating a healthy

lifestyle the acclaimed russian author

leo tolstoy didn't see it that way

however

in fact he suggested that the world's

injustice was so overwhelming to the

human mind

that only four responses could be valid

by his definition

these responses were comprised of

childlike ignorance

hedonistic pleasure suicide or

determining to struggle on

despite it all but is that really all

there is

others certainly seem to have embraced

this dismissive worldview

as evidenced by multiple tragedies in

which people decide to take others lives

along with their own

through mass school shootings as of june

2016

statistics showed that there had been

over 1 000 shootings in the united

states over the preceding 1260 days

in each of these cases the shooter had

killed four or more people before ending

their own lives

but while this is very bleak news indeed

it shouldn't cause us to give up hope or

conclude that humanity is inherently bad

that lesson comprises peterson's sixth

rule for living

which invites people to take

responsibility for their own lives and

actions

before condemning the world drawing on

the philosophy of russian writer

alexander solzenhitsen

peterson asserts that it's possible to

project the cruelty of life

even when you've seen it firsthand

that's what sultan hits and learned when

after a dedicated fight against the

nazis during world war ii

he was imprisoned by his own state

following the conclusion of the war

you might think life in a russian gulag

would be as bad as things could get

but for sultan hitson it actually got

worse while serving his sentence

he also found out he had cancer however

despite it all

sultan hitson resisted the temptation to

become angry and bitter

preferring instead to focus on the good

in humanity he spent his time in prison

seeking opportunities to contribute

something meaningful

in the time he had left that mission

included authoring the book the gulag

archipelago

a scathing expose of soviet internment

camps

not only did this book give souls and

hits an added purpose in life

it also played a vital role in

demolishing public support for stalin's

brand of communism

chapter 7 seek sacrifice over instant

gratification

have you ever heard the story about the

monkey who got his hand caught in the

cookie jar

although his hand could fit into the jar

it was too big for him to slip it back

out while also holding a cookie

because of this the monkey was forced to

choose between giving up and freeing

himself from his predicament

or holding on to his treat the story

ends with a monkey being captured by

hunters with the moral suggesting that

greed is a trap which ensnares us

chances are you've probably witnessed

similar behavior in human beings

the temptation to pursue what we want

even when it will lead to negative

consequences

is a pretty universal experience but

giving into that desire doesn't really

make us better people does it

unfortunately this life lesson is

connected to our previous chapter

because unhealthy choices are often side

effects of despair

if we view the world as bleak and

miserable we naturally seek to alleviate

our depression by pursuing any pleasure

that will make our existence more

bearable this often leads to the

justification

that something can't be wrong if it

makes us happy and that type of

rationalization

can be a gateway to very bad decisions

so how can we combat this

peterson suggests our best recourse is

to pursue sacrifice

over instant gratification that's

because sacrifice

puts better things into the future

through relinquishing instant pleasure

in the present

and we sort of know that already after

all we sacrifice things we'd rather be

doing to go to work every day

and earn a living but that type of

sacrifice is still in the interest of

personal gain

because we do it to facilitate our own

survival or save for the promise of a

vacation later on

however peterson argues that true

sacrifice the type we need to pursue in

order to become kinder

happier and more well-adjusted people is

defined by the things we do for others

so instead of pursuing selfish instant

pleasures consider giving up a bit of

your time to volunteer

and make a difference in someone else's

life when you concentrate on the good

you can put into the world

you take a break from your negative

worldview and allow yourself to be

driven by positive influences

you might find it helpful to think of

the lotus flower as an inspiration

this plant starts its life at the bottom

of a muddy lake and

slowly rises to the top in small

increments of growth until it bursts

through the water to blossom in the sun

you can experience the same type of

growth by prioritizing sacrifices

for the good of others over instant

gratification

because selflessness not only reinvents

your worldview it makes you a better

person

chapter 8 stop lying even to yourself

we all tend to lie to ourselves in one

way or another

whether it's by telling ourselves we're

going to meet a certain goal without

putting any work toward it

or in deluding ourselves about our flaws

we're all liars

the austrian psychologist alfred adler

called this habit

lifewise and defined them as the things

we say and do

to get what we think we want that

distinction what we think we want

is important because it acknowledges the

fact that we often trick ourselves into

craving things that ultimately aren't

good for us

the same is true of our ability to

convince ourselves that we already know

everything we need to know

this is an especially insidious lie

because if we assume we already have the

right tools for self-improvement

we lose all willingness to learn and

grow so peterson's eighth rule of living

is

stop lying and tell yourself the truth

hone your self-awareness

and learn to recognize when you're

telling yourself one of those life lies

and then work to fix it realigning your

goals and your personal truth can help

you get your life back on track

and be honest about your progress

chapter 9 engage in healthy debate

if you spend any time on social media at

all you know it can often be a hotbed of

conflict and scathing criticism

people often take offense far too

quickly and lash out by spewing

hateful things at random strangers on

the internet this behavior has

regrettably

come to characterize the state of

conversation in our society

and is an utter perversion of what

healthy debate used to mean

reclaiming your ability to engage in

genuine conversation

requires returning to the truths of

ancient greek philosophers who

understood that respectfully challenging

someone's idea

is not the same as attacking that person

following this method taps into

peterson's ninth life lesson

which is to listen to what others have

to say and assume that you have

something to learn from them

instead of treating your conversation as

a competition looking for opportunities

to prove that you're right and the other

person is wrong

or looking for reasons to take offense

simply focus on listening you might

disagree with someone else

and that's okay even in those cases you

should still approach

all conversations by following the

simple method of listening

and then summarizing to recap what you

have heard out loud

rephrasing what you understood in your

own words is a great way to communicate

with the other person

and ensure that you heard them correctly

it also shows that you care to truly

hear

and take in what they're saying

chapter 10 confront complexity with

clarity

it's no secret that life can be

confusing and our relationships with

others can sometimes be even more

complicated

however we can alleviate part of that

confusion by acknowledging that

sometimes

the reason we fail to understand things

is because we only pay attention

to the details that interest or make

sense to us

and while that's a natural human

inclination after all we're not

physically capable of thinking of

everything all the time

our inability to see the big picture can

often make the world feel extra chaotic

that's why we need rule 10 use precise

language

confronting the world's complexities

with the clarity of precise language is

invaluable

because it helps us to break down

complex concepts into simple

bite-sized nuggets of information that

we can understand

by simplifying the situation through

precise terminology we can establish

order in our lives

whether the issue lies in our car

breaking down or our bodies getting sick

by specifically articulating symptoms we

can start to take back control

the same is true of conflict in

relationships if your feelings are hurt

or you're seeking to tackle an issue of

your partners

precise language can help you articulate

the problem in a simple

honest manner

chapter 11 avoid suppressing human

nature

as today's society attempts to correct a

culture of injustice

it can be difficult to know where the

lines are our effort to combat the ills

of toxic masculinity sometimes leads

people

to stigmatize men and masculinity

altogether

and that shouldn't be the answer while

it is extremely true that men have

behaved deplorably for centuries

and used their power to manipulate

stigmatize and discriminate against

women

people of color and many other groups of

people we shouldn't unfairly direct our

sense of outrage at all men

this world view leads to destroying

rather than fixing a problem

or creating a solution and that

shouldn't be the aim of social justice

instead we should concentrate on

blending our differences to achieve a

harmonious future

because many men just like women are

aggressive and dominant by nature

and those traits don't have to be a bad

thing when they are channeled in the

right direction

with encouragement and guidance on how

to avoid becoming part of the problem

men can channel those personality traits

into accomplishing amazing things

that contribute to the greater good of

society and to illustrate this point

peterson considers the example of

skateboarders he once noticed that on

the grounds of the university of toronto

campus

some young skateboarders were

demonstrating amazing feats of agility

and balance

however because social norms often

categorized skateboarding as

undesirable or deviant the city

officials decided to ban skateboarding

on their campus

this policy failed to consider the

teen's dedication prowess and

willingness to embrace

physical risk and instead criminalized

their behavior

peterson argued that this was a mistake

and suggested that the same is true of

any instance

where we vilify a certain group of

people instead of holistically

stigmatizing one group

as illustrated by such statements as all

men or trash

we should be willing to embrace new

perspectives and talents that are

different from our own

ultimately that is the world view which

should drive our society

because it invites us to make rules that

protect us without suppressing the good

qualities

that different people can bring to the

table that's why life lesson number 11

is don't bother young skateboarders so

whether it's skateboarding or men being

persistent and aggressive

we shouldn't criminalize behavior unless

it's actively hurting someone else

because then it really is a part of the

problem

chapter 12 celebrate the little things

we've already touched on the fact that

life is often full of sorrow

but it's important to remember that life

is also full of joy

the key difference is that where sadness

often threatens to overwhelm us by

smacking us in the face

we have to look a little harder to find

joy peterson knows this firsthand

because his daughter has battled severe

arthritis since she was six years old

this degenerative disease has filled her

childhood with extreme pain

frequent injections and multiple

invasive surgeries to replace her entire

joints

if you're reading this and feeling that

life is unfair you're right

there's nothing fair about an innocent

child suffering so much pain

but peterson asserts the darkness of

these moments should only strengthen our

motivation to seek out the good in life

that's why rule number 12 is make the

best out of even the smallest joys that

life has to offer

in his own experience peterson has

discovered that relentless positivity

is the only way to sustain yourself

through even the darkest of times

because although he is deeply affected

by his daughter's suffering

he's grateful that after years of pain

she finally found a physiotherapist who

was able to help her achieve

greater mobility and develop a life with

a lot more normalcy

and a lot less pain although he knows

she's not fully out of the woods yet

and that more complications may arise

down the road he's grateful for the

small mercies in her life

and seeks to keep them both positive to

that end

he advises readers to always avoid

getting bogged down by sadness

and keep an eye out for even the

littlest things that can make you happy

like petting a random fluffy cat you

meet on a walk

final summary life can be confusing and

much of our time on earth is wasted in

the pursuit of figuring out

what we should be doing and how we can

make the right decisions

however jordan peterson hopes that we

can learn from the questions and

mistakes of the past

and live our lives to 12 simple rules

that can cut out the guesswork

and make us happier

this has been a summary of 12 rules for

life by jordan b

peterson written by alyssa burnett in

quick read

narrated by alex smith the end

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